Posts Tagged ‘school run’

Since last term, there’s been quite a build up to the S-E-X Education lessons for Year 4.  I’ve tried to explain a few things to Miniminx, but she’s tended to cover her ears and gawp in horror for most of it.

From the beginning of this term there’s been a change of attitude, Miniminx has been determined to be ‘cool’ about Sextucation, even though she hasn’t quite been able to separate the words yet as a way of avoiding saying the S word. In fact, cool has become emboldened into curiosity and she’s got a bit too bolshy for my liking, saying it’s time she started watching Sex and the City so she can learn about ‘it’! (Samantha’s antics are just too graphic – it’s non negotiable, it’s banned).

So Lesson 1 in Sexducation has been a source of much amusement in our household this week.  I know, I know, sex shouldn’t be a laughing matter but if you put 30 eight your olds in a class room and give them pictures of a naked male and female and ask them to label parts of the body, it’s going to be a recipe for hilarity.

I thought it best to wait until Miniminx decided she wanted to talk about it, but frankly, she couldn’t stop, she was holding back the laughter from the moment I picked her up from school. Having done the usual afterschool routine (in no particular order) homework, telly, dinner, bath and bed, it was time for story reading, but I could tell she was desperate to chat,

‘Mum can we talk about the Sexctucation lesson today?’  she asked, looking very impish.
‘Yes of course we can, tell me all about it’
‘Well, we had to label pictures of men and women with no clothes on!’
‘Oh, so what did you put and where?’
‘Um, privates, privates and the B-word’ she said
‘What’s the B-word’
‘I can’t say’
‘No.’ and a very hushed whisper in my ear…’Breasts’
‘Oh, okay, that’s very grown up.’  Phew I thought, thank god for that, I thought she was going to say bollocks.

So, we go through that part with barely a snigger but by now, I know she’s dying to tell me what really happened and we both start lip pursing to suppress a giggle.

‘Well done bunny, so (ha hum, ha, cough, cough) what did everyone else write on the pictures? That must have been quite funny.’
‘Yeah Mum it was, it was REALLY funny. Some people wrote bits, and fanny, and boobies and willy!,’ by now the laughter is really kicking in, ‘and…BOBS! Someone spelt boobs wrong, so they wrote bobs. BOBS INSTEAD OF BOOBIES, BOBS, HE SPELT IT WRONG!’
By that point we both start laughing like hyenas, and every time we stop, Miniminx shouts ‘BITS and BOBS, FANNY, BITS AND BOBS!!!’ and we’re off shrieking again.

So there you have it, a lesson she’ll never forget (neither will I) and now we call ‘it’ fanny, bits and bobs…

But of course, kids are very creative and Miniminx tells me on the way home yesterday that they’ve got a new thing in class, ‘Mum, we don’t say S-E-X anymore, it’s Seban Eats Xylophones.’

‘Who’s Seban?’
‘A boy in my class’

Poor kid I think…(!)

If that doesn’t get you laughing, I’ll give you £10 if you can watch this and keep a straight face

and a shamrock if this doesn’t work either

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Miniminx and I have both got cricked necks from too much Wii Fit and sleeping at funny angles – oh ha ha not. I’ve learned the true meaning of a pain in the neck. Oh yes, kids do say the funniest things don’t they. My reputation is in tatters thanks to Miniminx and her salacious gossip…

Taking full of advantage of my lack of gainful employment, Miniminx enjoyed a day at home on Monday with warmed neckpad, hot water bottle, Disney Channel, lots of moaning and wearing out the battery on her DS (oops sorry I darling, I forgot where I hid, I mean tidied away the charger…). She seemed fine yesterday, so off to school we went.

A few hours later, I get the call from school, ‘Your little darling is in the sick bay and wants her Mummy’. So off I pootle to school and pick her up and we have to cab it to my long awaited facial with her wearing my long-haul-flight-neck-cosy… I thought I’d take advantage of the Giraffe 2-4-1 dinner and stuff cooking so off we went afterwards for a nice quick supper and an arm wrestle over homework.

‘Mum, it’s lucky I can remember your mobile number off by heart now as the ladies in the school office didn’t have to go through all the files.’
‘Oh, you’re such a clever little darling aren’t you!’
‘Oh yeah, and they asked if you’d be at work but I told them you wouldn’t be ‘cos you’re UNEMPLOYED now and NOT WORKING.’
‘Thanks darling’

So it doesn’t end there, that was just the beginning….

I love Amy Winehouse and her scat cat antics, she’s one of my favourite singers and mostly, her lyrics are unintelligible to Miniminx (and me actually), but I think she’s going to have to be silenced for a while. Last night, Miniminx called down the stairs ‘MUUUUUUUUUUM?? WHAT’S REEE HABBB???

‘Oh, you know, it’s for drunks and druggies darling’
‘What does that mean?’
‘Um, well, if Mummy was drinking two bottles of vodka and having a glass of wine at breakfast, I’d probably need to go to rehab. But obviously I don’t need to because I don’t’ I said smugly…

My little angel’s face poked out of a mountain of bathtime bubbles and said what only an eight year old can…
‘Ha ha, I’m going to tell everyone at school you’re going to rehab…’

Well that will go down like a cold cup of sick with the school gate mums…I’m going to get a t-shirt printed and fast…I’M NO AMY.

Needless to say, she is in school today sporting a ThermaCare heatwrap with instructions to keep a lid on the gossip or all gadgets will be returned to Lapland pronto!

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As someone who is regularly woken at the ungodly hour of 5.30am by the screeching noise of aeroplanes stacked up in the sky and waiting to land, I’m horrified that the Heathrow Expansion has got the go ahead.

I don’t believe it’s any coincidence that for the last month or so the air has been relatively quiet in the early hours of the morning. This morning, I was woken up by Miniminx at 6am – she’d woken up really early for her and as she came into my room we both heard the screeching of a plane coming in to land. Strange that this happens just the day after the government news announcement on HRW. I maybe a cynic and conspiracy theorist on this but I’m certainly not on the expansion issue.

I feel very let down by the government on this. I fear it is too late for any member of the public to effect a reversal of the decision. Friends of the Earth got it wrong – they expected a delay on the decision just a couple of days ago. Nice web site greenpeace, but has it worked? I fear not. For those of you who read Fast Food Nation, doesn’t this smack of the same kind of thing as the car companies lobbying against and ending the expansion of the railways in the US? The companies with the most to win are the most likely to push out the underdog. And in this case, it’s the privatised travel industry versus the little people, you and I. We’re just being fed spin and pollution.

After the Terminal 5 catastrophic launch last year, this news can only lead to more disaster. I predict that Heathrow, with all it’s shopping malls and restaurants, hotels and car parks, will become a city in it’s own right.

For anyone that works, lives or travels in the area, you’ll know how bad things are getting. The filthy air, the low flying planes, the noise and disruption to daily lives is just too much. I don’t know if I want to live around here much longer.

I’ve been a great fan of Labour but the first thorn in my side was the Child Benefit scandal when thousands of records of families went missing in the post. The letter I received telling me that my personal details and those of Miniminx had been lost made me think twice about voting for Labour again.

If the government wants to wrong foot the Liberal borough of Richmond and the conservative areas around Heathrow – Kew, Chiswick etc. well more fool them. This could mean a swing to the right and an election win for the Conservatives. Just one more Labour fiasco and Brown will be on his way. For me, as much as I detest Cameron, I would think about changing parties over this issue.

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Wake up, ugh, Monday.  Check my fakeberry – email overload, inbox is now full.  It’s Monday, can I be bothered to get up?  How much have I got to do?  Is Miniminx awake yet?  Of course not!  So, do I head to the office and work hard all day in my outgoing role(?!) or do I work from home and try and get myself a job? My usual diligence has checked out – I’ve got to do the school run and just found out I’ve been volunteered to walk my daughter’s class to the church for the carol concert rehearsal.  Um, oh, ok, I’ll do it.  Quick rejig of the day – I can save two hours by not travelling to work and back – and £20 on the cab fare, avoid germ-ridden bus and train on the way back.  That means I can go to the gym – and run and work off stress and keep myself happy – which means I can concentrate and focus after exercising and feel good.  Ok, decision is made, so I’ll work from home and do it all…wish me luck! Come on Monday!

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